Another Childless Cat Lady

Childless by Choice

Yes, I’m one of those childless cat ladies. I always loved cats and was never interested in bearing children. The recent remarks by the Republican VP candidate, where he equates childless women (without mentioning men) to not being full citizens, have reignited feelings of being "less than."  It makes me angry how he's degrading the women of childbearing age. I hope they will reject him and not fall into the inferior feelings I felt back then.

Me with Sidd in 2010.

Vance’s comments about childless cat ladies remind me of a lecture I attended in college in the 70s at the University of Evansville. The speaker, one of the religion teachers at this small Midwest Methodist college, told this group of students that it was our responsibility as the educated to have children. I left telling others, "No one will tell me to have children."

I didn't remain childless because I couldn't find the "right one."  It wasn't because I couldn't physically have children. That desire for parenthood that resounded in so many was never on my radar. I never wanted to have children, period.

Back then, I spent lots of time fielding questions about my own fertility, and reasons for my decision came from colleagues and strangers. Once I married, the questions increased. "When are you going to start a family?" When I told her we didn't want children, one coworker asked, "You don't want or can't have?" After that marriage ended, it was a relief not to have to answer questions about this pretty personal choice I had made years before.

Why did I opt for this path? Surprisingly, none of my siblings chose to have children either. Why did all four of us decide against parenthood? Could genealogy play a part in this decision?

Looking at my immediate family, Mom was an only child, and Dad just had a sister. That sister remained childless even though she was in a loving marriage for most of her life. As I mentioned, I was one of four; none of us had children or were interested in being parents.

Both sets of grandparents came from large families: nine to twelve children each. Could that have influenced our feelings about children?

Several other possible reasons come to mind. Mom sacrificed. She never spent anything on herself until the very end. It was all about us. I hardly remember her wearing anything but tattered house dresses, unlike the beautiful outfits she wore in those faded photos of her youth.

Mildren Schatz Heines 1933

As the youngest, I was rarely surrounded by children besides a few neighbors. The thought of holding a baby terrified me – so afraid I’d break it. My brief experience babysitting went smoothly until I accidentally locked us out of the house, prompting the parents to cut short their night out and rescue us.

When I grew up in the late '60s and early '70s, the zero population growth movement was on my mind. For those unfamiliar with ZPG, it was about having only two children to replace you and your partner. I decided to help the cause by not having children at all.

Reflecting on this over the years, I also thought my lack of desire might be because I believed relationships didn’t last. However, that didn’t make sense since my parents had a loving relationship. Unfortunately, the marriage was cut short by her early death. But I had felt this way before her death. Perhaps nothing endures, and I was unwilling to raise a child alone. My own relationships during my childbearing years, including two marriages, were short-lived, and the idea of childbirth itself unnerved me.

Something did happen as I was growing up that might have played into my decision. It was something Mom said. "If I had it to do over again, I'd have French poodles," she'd say after my siblings and I had done something wrong. My father, ever the diplomat, on hearing those words, would scoop me up and say, "Honey, she doesn't mean that. She's just upset."  My oldest sister took it all in stride, raising French poodles. To this day, I'm not fond of that dog breed.

While friends were raising their children, I was dating, dancing, traveling, and having fun. Happiness can thrive in many forms, including the quiet joys of my chosen path. Regardless of what the politicians say, women of childbearing age have the right to choose, and can be quite happy being childless.

My reading buddy, Molly

My childless cat husband with Ally

I don't know why I chose this path and why I didn’t have that desire. This isn’t a regret over being childless. It's an appreciation of a different path, celebrating a unique life. My life has been full of independence, creativity, personal fulfillment, many cats, and one wonderful childless cat husband.